After the release of my results, it was another round of relief. I sound as though I'm expecting to pass everything. But in a way, I am. It's bad though. Because every semester I would think that at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pass everything. I'll especially think that way when for 5 tutorials in a row, I can't solve any questions.

Doing my internship at a consultancy firm now. The ups and downs. As opposed to a contractor firm, I don't have to be in the work site much. But then as a consultant engineer, I have to use a lot of brains.

Trust me, a simple issue like how to divert a drain from point A to point B can give so many people so much headache. And oh the headache. The intensity of it.

Such a small drain is giving me so much headache, and now my boss wants me to help in designing the temporary canal diversion.











Wanted to take a picture of my work desk. But I was too busy to do so. Shall do it next Thursday. Then people will know how busy I truly am.

Thank goodness my boss is so nice as to let me not work this coming Saturday. And next Saturday too. And next Wednesday too.

Company's annual dinner is next Tuesday though. Hope there aren't too much drinking involved. Hate to make a fool out of myself by getting drunk.

While walking over to the work site, Joel and I passed by a newspaper stand. We saw The New Paper. Guess who did we see on the frontpage. Ris Fucking Low. What the hell?

Our first reaction was: "Goodness, what is she up to again?"

Whoever was in charge of organising beauty pageants in Singapore has been sacked, and a new firm was chosen. Well, finally I guess. Past few years there wasn't a single decent Miss Singapore.

The owner of Miss World pageant even said that it should not be just about women parading around in swim suits and pretty faces.

Oh please. She's an idiot. She herself falls into that category. Not the beauty part of course, definitely the "No Brains" department.

How many of those successful and smart women are going to parade around in front of the whole world in bikini? Paris Hilton isn't successful, her daddy is. Note the difference please.

So what's really left are those half-a-brain gals who think they're smart and ends up behaving like a bimbo.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*chuckles*

=====

Sometimes when I do not have much to think about, I think about her. It's really sad to say this but even though so many years have passed by, I still think about her and all the what ifs that were involved.

So many years?? Well it was only 5 years.

Seemed like a long time.

The first time I was really thinking about getting into a serious relationship, I got dumped. I know the correct term should be "rejected", but I have my reason for using the word "dumped".

You see, when someone is dumping another someone, it usually goes, "it's not you, it's me". Or so I think that's how that cliche is supposed to work.

The "I'm not good enough for you, and you'll find someone else who is better and more deserving of you" speech.

*A little grin here*

So in one night, I kinda fell in love, was rejected and "dumped".

It gets kinda awkward though, when we see each other. Or maybe I'm the only one feeling awkward.

Wonders if she still reads my blog. If you do, please do give a shout out. A message on my fantastically stagnant tagboard? No need to be embarrassed. I'm passed that stage already.

We're still friends. Actually, "just friends". Because of what happened that night 5 years ago, we kinda drifted apart.

Pretty sad, every time I think about it.

Maybe it'll sound very cliche or emo when I mention it, but seriously, I felt as though I have been scarred for life.

Even though you said it was you, and not me. The whole world knows it's actually me and not you.

My little "How I Met Your Mother" episode in my life. I'm the Ted Moseby and you're my Robin Scherbatsky. Except nothing happened at the end of Season 1. In fact, it ended at the first episode.

I can't help but give another *chuckle*

I know it's not right to say this, but till today, I care about you more than my current girlfriend.

SSSHHHHhhhh it's our little secret ok?

Time to sleep. I've been lacking sleep for the past one week.

Engineering is really tough, especially when using it to solve real world problems.

2010

I can't really remember much of 2010. Well the things that do remember, most of them I like to keep them to myself. At least for the moment.

However, the most important day of 2010 is 25th Nov, when I received the news that my granfather passed away. It was a mad rush of getting either my new passport or urgent travel docs from the embassy. In the end I got my new passport as both options needed the same amount of time.

My grandfather's death affected me more than I knew. I always thought that my relatives being so far away, and me having so little time to interact with them wouldnt cause me to feel that much pain. I was wrong. I lost too much sleep.

The trip back to Taiwan was spent entirely on the funeral. Even though I brought along my notes to study for my exams which was just a week away. I was just flipping through the notes. Staring at the words and not absorbing anything.

There were so many firsts, and at the same time so many lasts. And sadly, many more in between that will never be realised.

At the end of the day, all I've got now are memories and nothing more. I remember tearing uncontrollably during my first paper. An invigilator came over and asked if I was OK.

"Don't worry, the paper isn't that tough. You've still got time to think through the questions."

Thanks.

Evon was around throughout the whole time. From sending me off, to picking me up at the airport, and much much more. Thanks baby.

Am I through with the grieving process? I'm not sure. Maybe i'm 80% to 90% through. But I'm never sure.

I can only pray that I'm able to pass all my modules. I haven't got the interest, nor the mood to do my revisions properly.

New Years Eve was fun.

checked in to MBS. 41st floor city facing room. SHIOK!
after getting the keys to the room with baby, I wanted to get a bellboy and send our bags up. So i grabbed hold of the first MBS staff I came across.

A duty manager.

he took a look at my keycard and said, "Oh you're the honeymoon couple checking into the honeymoon suite! No worries, I'll get someone to send your bags up right away!"

LOL. just because a guy and a girl checked into a room that's been designated as the "honeymoon suite", you have to assume it's a "honeymoon couple"?

actually we were there with a whole bunch of friends. that made things a lot more fun. especially at night. when the drinking starts. and the drinking started the moment we checked into our rooms.

by the time it was nearing midnight, I was a little groggy and a little too much alcohol in my bloodstream.

complimentary tickets to MBS rooftop party with free flow of champagne.

free flow of champagne. heh. so we downed those champagne as if they were shots.

bad idea. monica suggested it. we took around 5 glasses of champagne each. on average. the first glass was nicely sipped into the stomach. next four was unceremoniously dumped into our bloodstream.

it was an ugly sight to be seen doing "shots" of champagne.

went back down to the room for more red wine, white wine, beer. played stupid games that required drinking as punishments.

it was an even uglier sight later in the wee hours of the morning when i hugged the toilet bowl and threw up.

had a hangover that lasted a good whole day.

4.30am in the morning, i leaned over to Evon and said, "My new year resolution for 2011. Not to drink this much anymore."

I know it sounds disgusting, but i can smell the friggin alcohol from my pee.

pictures soon..

THIS IS REALLY REALLY A CRY FOR HELP TO ANYONE OUT THERE.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here.

The past 2 months whizzed by me so quickly. Seems like I've lost my drive, my sense of direction. Especially in life.

Everywhere I look, I see a dismal future for myself.

How did things end up like this? I was so sure of myself and my choices.

But if it was really that bad, why did 200 to 300 other people made the same choice as me?

Or maybe I'm the one who followed blindly and made the same choice as the 200 to 300 people.

And character-wise, I'm a horrible person. I have no idea why I've changed this much.

This is not the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to hurting others with every single word that's blurted out of my mouth.

Week 6 of school. I'm 6 weeks behind in terms of my academics. Hard to believe that earlier this year I was still full of steam and rushing through all my work.

Now I'm just stagnant.

No drive and no sense of purpose in life.

Along with the absolute fear of death.

I'm really a horrible person, detested by all.

Like a message on a bottle floating along the waves. I wonder when will this SOS message be picked up and read. And how long will rescue come.

I hope it's not too late. I'm really unable to help myself anymore.

I don't know who to turn to for help anymore.

I'm sorry.
*sigh*

This is me apologising to myself, the people whom I've hurt, the people whom I've never made the effort to keep in touch with and the world.

I'm sorry.
Truly am.

Well, school has started. Vacation job came to an end. Pretty satisfied with this year's job. Really.

The pay was better and the stress was so much lesser than before. Just have to go out and see the world more often.

Saved a small sum of money. Gotta find some place to do some investments. Maybe JH can help me.

And speaking of money and investments, there's this feeling of overwhelming sadness in me. "Our" events company didnt take off. I'm not sure if we're gonna so-call liquidate the company or maybe I'll just leave the company (Pretty sad since I was the one who started it). But come to think of it, Steve Jobs was once fired from Apple too, So who know? Maybe some time into the future, I may return to make a huge bang.

I can't see eye to eye with my business partners. At first we were all profit-oriented. But then ZK kept adding additional costs to our clients' projects. So much so that our net profits are being reduced dramatically. There goes our KPI.

Maybe next year I'll do the same thing again. This time round, it is possible that I might wanna try to go solo. What's there to lose or be afraid of? I'm the one with all the contacts to the industry.

We'll see how it goes.

Starting your own business is fun and tiring. Next year's my last year. Gotta see how things go.

The only consolation I have right is that at least my company made a 100% net profit. Which has a chance of going higher if I can manage to get that dumbfuck partner of mine to watch his expense.

So much for me dreaming of doing an IPO within 6 years. When everything first started, it seemed as though an IPO is really viable within 5 years.

Now I'm just back to another ordinary student slogging away.

If I stayed on with the company, I know I can even manage to save enough to buy my own car in 8 years' time. Well, 3 years if I don't intend to pay in full.

But that shall just be another failed dream.

Life is all about failed dreams.

Got my brand new Samsung Galaxy S yesterday.

excited and a little disappointed. The camera is such a huge let down. No zoom and no flash.

Well, should look at the bright side though. Android is fun.

2 more weeks till school reopens.

I want to play. Haven't had much fun since the holidays started. Why? The usual suspects: Work and Minor.

Once the last project is over, gonna close down the company and that's it. Realised that I can't work with some people and I can't run a company alone.

Maybe I'll do another start-up again some time in the future, when I have a say over who I want as my business partners.

Right now with the final project for my business, I wonder if my company can even make enough to cover up our losses.

That's what I've been busy with over the past few months. A joint business venture with some friends.

Things are not going the way I've planned with everybody busy with their own commitments and not willing to do much for the company.

Even though it was a partnership, it felt like a Pte Ltd the whole time; with me running the whole show worrying my ass off every single thing and the others can only be contactable after the shit is over.

*sigh*

Well, I'm tired. That's for sure. Been working since the holidays started. Well, the new company is a lot better than the previous one. Twice the stress, thrice the workload, but definitely quadruple the fun.

I've taken upon myself to do some reflections. Why do people say that you don't mean what you say when you're angry? I believe that is untrue. At least not completely. Ive made things a little too uncomfortable with some of my friends and I know it's partially my fault.

Oh well, just gonna see how things go.

Release of exam results was kinda exciting. Expected myself to fail at least one module and get just pass grades for the rest. Turned out wasn't the case. Didn't even score a single D. Mostly B grades. Some A- grades. One or Two C grades.

Surprised myself thoroughly. I guess it really works when you sacrifice things to work on your studies. My GPA was pulled up, not by a lot, by it's finally climbing.

I know I fly kite for a lot of my friends last semester. But the only one I can remember was to have dinner with Tommy and Marilyn and gang. Apologies again. But I'm just glad that I have my results to show that the kite-flying wasn't in vain.

Which reminds me of what Yu Jun told me 2 or 3 years ago before I started University: "NTU is a place where does that couldn't make it have been wiped off the chain. Whoever's left and in university are really the cream of the cohort. Don't be complacent and study hard."

She's right, and congratulations to her on graduating this year. One less 师姐 to consult when in trouble.

Prof. Li Bing also said that with a Year One intake of around 300, only less that 100 will graduate. In fact, by the end of third year and you still haven't been kicked out by NTU, you'll more or less graduate successfully.

Looks like Year Three is gonna be an exciting year ahead for me.

My goodness, I am so tired.

Haven't slept for 2 days save for a quick 1hr power nap this morning at 6am. This Minor is really killing me.

Spent almost 24hrs try to do up the capital budgeting/financial projection for my company.


Balance Sheet, Profit and Loss Statement, Cash Flow Statement.

Sigh.

It's just so tiring. I do feel a great sense of achievement when I'm finally done with the bloody excel sheet. But the only problem now is that that was just 50% done. I've still got to compute all the financial ratios and put the key figures into the executive summary and the business plan.

Tired.

Tomorrow's the deadline to submit our business plan. after which we need to go set up stuff for our EID presentation o Thursday. Friday's gonna be spent going for interviews during the day and going for presentation rehearsals in the evening. Saturday's gonna be the actual business presentation.

what a mad rush.

Gonna go meet WT this thursday though. Something for me to look forward to at least.
hope we'll have fun.