exams exams exams. that's what we're all worried about.

just had a very wild thought. but it's too wild to be mentioned here.

seems like i'm losing contact with a lot of my friends, and i wonder why. actually i know why, and the problem is with me. and the problem is getting worse. i wonder how i end up the way i am right now.

8 more days to exams.

21 more days to freedom.

what kinda freedom actually?

had to worry about the bloody EID project along with my MiE's EN105.
both really deserves some worrying.

for the EID, we're not designing or even building an actual prototype. and we all know that every other group is trying to build a prototype.
every other group has met their mentor. ours? not yet.
every other group had a lot of group meetings. ours? we met once at the beginning of the semester.

perhaps it's because this is a 1AU module, therefore we do not put much importance to it. think we're gonna suffer because of it. hopefully, our financial projections for our projections will wow the judges. but seriously.. EID stands for Engineering Innovation and Design. what does financial projections have to do with it? WE DONT HAVE A PROTOTYPE!!! honestly, we picked a very difficult product to do. how are we gonna fit a bloody bluetooth microchip into something as small as a lock? and we dont even have the technical know-hows, i.e. we're civil engineers, not electronic engineers. therefore, me assessment of our team is this: we're gearing up for a major epic phailure session.

as for the 105 project, all i can say is that i'm disappointed with how things turned out. it is true that i learnt something: people value your character more than your efficiency and/or ability to get things done. id you dont socialise, you're in trouble. so for those people who want to take up a minor in entrepreneurship, please think twice. nobody cares if you can stay for 4 nights in a row to complete a financial projection, feasibility report, financial report, executive summary.

but that's enough.

oh and i have to get a job too. my current 105 groupmate expect me to be pennyless: "Can u postpone getting a job till we're done and satisfied with our business plan presentation?"

how do you expect me to contribute $$ to our business if i dont have the available start-up capital on my part? are you going to cut my shares? so difficult to explain to people who's got no $$ worries. dont tell me about not having $$ to buy a $20 bag/shirt/shorts/whatever.

i dont have $$ to even feed myself. literally.

which kinda brings me to another thought: please dont invite me to functions that will be held at places where they charge $10 for a fucking plate of what's essentially chicken meat between 2 pieces of bread and $7 for a bloody soft drink.

i dont have that kind of $$. i'm trying to start a business and i dont even have enough $$ to pump into that business.

invite me again 6months down the road when my business is supposed to be up and running, and HOPEFULLY, breakeven by then. 6mths to break even. i'm gonna be so eff-ing poor. well, that's the projection. things always go wrong.
for all i know, the business might just phail epicly and my parents are gonna find out how much money i've invested(or other words lost) to that useless piece of shit business.

realised with the start of this semester, havent been able to talk to WT much. it's just an occasional greeting when we passed by each other in school. i'm really feeling very sad. i suppose maybe it's just not meant to be.

oh speaking of which, havent spoken to P in ages. and i'm guessing it's around almost a year. maybe more than a year. after we had a really good thrashing out. well, it's not my fault that yo do not conform to the norm of the society and you're angry with me for pointing out the obvious?? you're the one that's ashamed of what you got yourself into. if not, why are you angry with me and giving me the cold shoulder? you should know me better. but looks like you dont. you thought i was finding trouble with you. you thought i didnt know you well enough. you SHOULD know that i meant nothing more when i asked those questions. if you previously thought we are such good friends, you MUST know that i' not one who minces my words. to a good/close friend, i say what's in my mind and i expect nothing less from you too.
you cant take the questions i asked and said i dont understand you. you're right. i DONT understand what you're trying to do. that is EXACTLY why i asked you those questions. previously when i asked other questions, you had no problems. you only thought something was wrong with me when i asked those questions pertaining to THAT particular issue. you're not being sensitive, you're being IMMATURE, because you know that is not expected of you, not from me, not from your friends, and DEFINITELY not from your PARENTS!
so you're putting all the blame and hatred on me JUST BECAUSE i am the only one out of your ENTIRE group of friends to have the BALLS to ask you those questions. FYI, one of your former classmate is now one of my classmate in NTU. S/he wonders the same thing too. and S/he also told me, ALL of your friends are wondering the same thing, they are just too embarrassed to ask you.
i choose to talk about this one year later because i hope in this period of one year, you're grown wiser and more MATURE. if not, it only means that you're still the same and before all of these happened, you were lying to everyone, including yourself.

i have no issues at all with your way of life. i respect that. but to respect that, i have to know you're being serious with it. all your friends who knows about your way of life also wants to know. if you cant tell us, it means you're ASHAMED and just lying to us and yourself. and dont give me crap such as "I dont have to prove or explain myself to anyone of you."

because if you dont, well, read the paragraph above again.

REMEMBER: ALL of your FRIENDS thought the same things about you after your ex-classmate told me. i'm the ONLY ONE with the BALLS to ask you. so now that you know, are you gonna ostracize the rest of your friends too? think about it.

i'm always here if you want to talk. forgive and forget is my forte. i wouldnt even think about the things you said to try to hurt me.

the sadness of omnipotence..

one day out of possibly a whole year. I'm free. I have nothing on my agenda. Well, i have a lot, but i choose to drop everything.

I'm too burnt out with everything. Gotta take a break or something.

The MiE class schedule is out. It's really depressing to to look at it.

I feel like a stranger, to myself. It's not loneliness, it's the alone-ness. As if i don't know myself anymore.

Alone-ness.. Not loneliness..

Time for an update.

2009 passed by too quickly for me to make any evaluation and the rush of 2010 pretty much got me too busy to think about what i want to achieve.

last december was spent pursuing my MiE (Minor in Entrepreneurship). seriously, people taking a Minor in Business can kiss my ass. I've got only 1 week to learn how to churn out a full annual report for a company.

i'd say it was a fun experience. why am i using the past tense? it's not over yet. 2 more modules to go. EN104: a dry run of running a virtual business. EN105: you do it for real. although i'm more worried about EN104 than EN105 as i've already got a business plan and partners to work with.

speaking of which. the MiE took me out of my comfort zone. the 3D2N OBS was nothing. went through worse stuff than that during NS. it's the working together with all the students from other different schools and backgrounds that's really tough. eg. i'm a no-nonsense kind of fella and EN103 had me working with people who just love to procrastinate and work alone. such vast differences made me look as though i'm the odd one out. and for EN101 and EN102, i had to work with a 19yo indian girl whose only "job" experience was as in intern at HP. and she was just an admin assistant. and she arguing how it is easier to outsource everything to india because it's cheaper, faster and better. had to give her a crash course in international trade.

sigh

well, i've lost my virginity too. was at least waiting for that to happen in 2012. but it happened too early in 2009. last december was when i had to stay in school overnight for 5 days straight to rush out financial reports. (without sleep, i must add). thought i could have waited till my FYP before having to resort to such tortures. well, i guess you lose your virginity right when you least expect it.

lol-ness

because of our MiE project, i got to speak Mr Aston Soon, founder of Astons. really nice guy.

2009 also made me realise how close i was to dropping out of school. having flunked a core module and having to repeat it. good thing my schoolmates were really supportive. but i guess it's because of such fear that it spurred me to work harder. no more horsing around.

hopefully i dont flunk anymore modules as all the modules from 2nd year onwards are only offered once a year. cant afford to fail. must get at least a 2nd class honours.

christmas was spent at evon's mum's friend's place. quite a long link. starting to fall in love with traditional christmas feasts. new year eve and new year was spent at monica's place, evon's godsister. during the 2min space of watching the fireworks, i did a quick run-through of my situation and decided that sometimes it's just better to take a step back and shut one eye about mistakes made by others. so what if i managed to prove other people wrong and myself right?

we had our quarrels over the entire span of 2009. and things went to a meltdown stage on christmas day. nothing wrong actually. but i'm at fault for remembering too much details and this kinda added on stress to everyone. i was shocked when she finally yelled at me. nobody's perfect and i was asking for it.

so one of my resolutions for 2010 is:
stop being so serious in life and stop remembering all the nitty gritty details that's not going to do anyone any good.

but i've already failed the first half of that resolution. and it's caused by me 2nd resolution: to never lag behind in tutorials.

so much so that i've started reading ahead of the lectures and ended up being 2 weeks ahead of the lecture schedule. attempting the tutorials without fully understanding the concepts involved. that is very bad. i ended up doing everything wrongly.

now because of such self-applied pressure and rush(and also the fact that i didnt have a proper break during december because of the MiE), i'm burnt out. the last 4 days was spent stoning away and not getting anything done. now i'm behind schedule.

i've got to learn to pace myself. and this is very important since i'm very bogged down this semester. i've got at least 2 or 3 projects for HW210 Tech Comm, 1 major project lasting from now till mid-may for CV2902 EID and not to mention 2 more projects for my MiE course: EN104 is gonna last over the entire 1 week break in march while EN105 will last from march to september. and as part of my course requirements for the MiE, i have to attend business seminars all of this year.

honestly, i think i'm gonna break down very very very soon.

i feel so burnt out.

i should have known what i was getting myself into when i signed up to do the Minor.

maybe i'll just take this week as it comes. let myself recharge over the week, and start the rush again this weekend. all the project meetings and reports and stuff. not to mention tutorials and lectures that i was already behind schedule with.

goodness.

perhaps the real culture of NTU is to just go jump.

you've got a problem, go to the window ledge. solves everything. lol.

i just hope people can stop adding stress and pressure to my already oh-so-hectic and frantic and cluttered life.

Life is getting more and more interesting by the minute.

And I wonder what makes me say that. Acutally I'm just kinda running out of time in terms of studying. 4 more days to my first paper. 12 more days till exams are over.

I dont even dare to contemplate it as a holiday.

Think i'll most probably get a day or two in between for my break before i start my MiE course.

Was just revising for physics. I'm completely lost after going into the chapter on Thermodynamics.

Abso-fucking-lutely fuck-tastic.

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yeah i'm very pissed.

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hopefully this time round the exams will be more smooth-sailing than before.

And as for all the pre-exam tension (and maybe post-exam tensions too), I promise I'll study harder next semester.

lol

I have around another hour to go since I'm converting some videos to mp4 format for my PSP and, hopefully, my N81.

Since I've haven't blogged in quite a while, I'm actually at a lost as to where to start.

Currently I'm very stressed with my school work. Less than 2 weeks to exams and I still can't focus. My mind wanders off easily. Very easily. And I'm very stressed with Soil Mechanics. The tutorial questions used terms and equations that I do not see in the lecture notes. I know lecture notes are a condensation of whatever's in the textbook, but for the entire tutorial to use terms and equations that are not seen at all in the lecture notes, that is too much. why don't the school see that not all students have the financial capability to purchase even a second-hand textbook?

One secondhand textbook costs around $30. Let's keep it conservative. 5 modules means $150.

sigh. nevermind.

I've successfully got the slot to study Minor in Entrepreneurship. Thought it's gonna be something easy like Mon~Fri 9am~5pm. Apparently not so. It's actually everyday, as long as it's not Sundays and/or Public Holidays. And that is just the official lesson timetable. Not inclusive of time needed on projects.

Lots and lots of projects and reports to write up. The business plan i submitted to the panel of interviewers was accepted. Now i have to learn to convert it to an executive summary. to submit by 29Dec 12pm, which will be express mailed to some big shot. and on 30Dec, I have to do a presentation on my business plan.

If i'm lucky, one of those big shots might just be impressed enough to actually invest in my plan. and it might actually become my own business. but that's still too far off. submitting the same plan to ideas.inc and hopefully it can be accepted too. If it's god enough, SPRING Singapore will provide a good start-up capital.

and as usual, that is still too early to say. for the SPRING Singapore project, working with 2 other uni friends. that executive summary has to be submitted by 27Nov. smack in the middle of my exams.

i'm using one plan for two different projects. hopefully one of them will hit the jackpot and get accepted.

which reminds me, we'll be going for a crash course in accounting, finance, marketing and so on and so forth in three weeks. tough eh? there goes my december break. it's gonna be used to balance my business plan's P and L.

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well havent chatted with T for quite a while since school reopened after recess week. we didnt have the chance to work together during out lab sessions as we were all pre-grouped by the lab tech.

and it's quite funny. we walk past each other pretending that we dont know each other or something like that. and yet at the same time we're sms-ing, facebook-ing, email-ing, etc etc each other.

heh heh. feels like secondary school kids. but dont think will be seeing her much next semester onwards. let's leave it fate.

oh. today we did manage to work together again for our last lab session. which actually resulted in and embarrassing incident for me.

T walked into the lab late. as usual. she came in and sat next to me. but as she was walking towards me, i turned my head to talk to her. she isnt very tall. while i was sitted and she's standing, her chest is around my eye-level. and i noticed her boobs seem to be quite huge. and she's wearing a bright RED bar underneath her white t-shirt.

i guess the male hormones took over and i just cant stop staring at her boobs. i was wondering when did she grew so huge? and at the same time, i was telling myself, "look at her face! not her boobs!"

haha

thought nobody noticed. but after the lab session, TM asked why i was staring so hard at T's chest this morning.

roflmfao.

---

around the same topic. while on the way home on the train this evening with TM and A, we noticed this uncle sitting next to me. watching something on his phone. he was watching handphone porn.

cool eh?

old people also know how to catch up in terms of technology.

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was playing BlackShot last night. this particular kid from primary school, dont ask me i just know he's that young, has a laggy connection so i told him to change host.

Me: "Oi change host la. lag like crazy. and please expedite."
Kid: "lol wad iz expedite?"
Me: "It means hurry the fuck up you illiterate fucktard!"
Kid: "fuck u la! u tink u pro izzit?"
Kid: "/ w boiboi eh wad iz de meaning of illiterate?"

he's trying to whisper a message to his friend to ask for the meaning of illiterate. but he epic failed and sent it as a general message.

Kid: "fuck u! u then illiterate! no such word called expedite. u iz stupidZZZZ!!"

my goodness. if only they went for my human resource management lectures. because according to my lecturer, the government uses the PSLE score as a benchmark to see how far you'll go in the future. not O levels, A levels. but PSLE.

sigh

that was fun anyway. because he got booted off the game for "Bad game manners"

lol.

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alright. enough enough. i'm gonna go see if T's still online and maybe chat a little bit with her before going to bed.

eh seriously, saw something real funny.

apparently my life is being mirrored. and i'm sure it is being mirrored quite literally.

kinda made me think that perhaps that person is just making up stories to entertain us along the way.

really really hilarious. perhaps all my friends can go take a look. Gwen agreed with me. although she added as an after-thought, "But you're still being an evil asshole."

is there such thing as a nice asshole?

today after lunch break, had nothing much to do. so us four guys decided to walk over to NIE to have a look at the pretty soon-to-be teachers.

and we wondered, "They're all almost pretty. How did that percentage drop after they graduate?"

submitted my lab report yesterday. today TM made me realised that I've answered two out of the 4 questions wrongly.
ahh.. fuck my life.. but it's only 1AU, so i shan't complain.

it was a short fling i guess. haven't talked to WT since she went back to Malaysia last week. school re-opened and she's back. nothing much exchanged except the occasional "Hi" when we pass by each other. what a funny situation we've got ourselves into. or perhaps just me. we're pretending that we don't know we're nearby even though we're just standing almost next to each other.

another one of those life's funny things to go share with gwen..

still being ignored by the girlfriend. canceled our date so she can go out with her friends. always like that. but never cancel dates with her friends to go out with me..

this is what we call a "second-class citizen".

P finally went for her honeymoon. Taiwan -> Japan -> Korea -> Hong Kong before returning back to sunny Singapore.

goodness.. I need a holiday too.. a REAL holiday..