why?


i'm not sure but maybe one of the causes is the double-shot espresso i had in the afternoon, so i'm actually wide-awake.


damn


i'm thick-skinned. no, that doesnt really defines me.


i dont care about how other people really feels as long as i get and/or achieve what i set out to do.
insensitive?
maybe.


maybe a hint of anti-socialness?


or indifference?


or... a little bit of everything?


although i'm awake, i have trouble focusing on my train of thoughts.
have been trying to fix the stupid LED headlamp to my bike since i reached home, without success.
will have to try again later in the morning.


my time is so precious and yet...
maybe from now on i'll just pretend to be busy, tied down by something or have some last minute thingy so i dont have to attend any of those pretentious gatherings. it's really getting into my nerves.

it can be so amazing.
one moment i was seething with anger.
now i'm perfectly alright.

i cas scanning through some of the emails a friend used to send to me and somehow the contents of those email gave me "a new lease of life".
i felt great again.

i dont know how to explain it.
but it's thoroughly amazing.

as though a wound has been healed.

i feel alive again, as if all negative-ness have been removed.

i'm at a complete loss of words for this wonderful phenomenon.

reading those words just made me feel strong again.

I FEEL READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD AGAIN!

"feeling depresssed.. everybody does. there is not so much at this time for you to cut your wrist. A levels how? commit suicide izit? there's many more things for you to accomplish.
i noe how you feeling. i'm like that a person. acting so strong yet so weak inside. you noe why you acting so strong? u still have the will to act strong. likewise, use that strength to support your sorrows inside you. dont let them have the chance to eat you up and swallow you whole. fight against IT. u need people around you to help you. talk to us. we're willling to lend a listening ear. dont hurt yourself can? i'm lost for words..."

"you know something? sometimes i really wish to scold you.. that time the library incident i still remember so clearly i was totally fed up. i wanted to smash you into pieces. i wanted to scream: jeffrey, do you noe how worried i am? suddenly shut up looking so moody i still can put up with it.. you want to play dissapearing game with me is it? i can find you in a moment i tell you. you cant possibly hide from me. you guessed correctly. i was disappointed, angry.. but what did i do? i smiled at you. why? i was relieved. relieved that you were alright. you were at least find-able. i walked away thinking why had i done the reverse.. till now i still dun understand.
that day i went CJ look for you. i wanted to hug you. wanted to calm you. dun be so pressurize. dun look things at the negaitive side. wanted to scold you. why you so stupid go hurt yourself? why you didnt keep your promise that you'll not hurt yourself? why why why????? but i couldnt get anything out of my mouth. i wanted to look happy. i forcing myself to smile. i couldnt. cos' i'm too hurt. the next day i think, alvin send me an email. he asked me to ask you whether you like me. i told him to shut up cos i cant possibly ask you. reason is simple enough. i'm gonna suffer yet another very close to breakdown. i was worried bout you, my hw, my peers my sleep, everything.that's one of the reasons i didnt want to meet you that sat. i dun wish to see you. i'm bothered. i'm afraid my look will once again bother you like that day at CJ. now i'm breathable from everything including you. you told me your probs. i understand what you gone through. i'm happy that you are willing to share with me. i send the last email short cos i couldnt think. i was too sleepy. but i meant every word.
i repeat. look forward to your future. be a great guy and show everyone you're the best. no one can overtake you. "

yes, i'm gonna be a great guy, show everyone i'm the best and let no one overtake me!
amazed by the troubles i was facing back then.
it's AMAZING. i was so BLIND!

:-)

READY FOR THE WORLD! BRING IT ON!
HOOO-AHH!

took me a few years to realise i actually have a great friend then to support me through everything?

wow.

i know i had a great friend. but it's a simple case of "i LOOK, but i do not SEE."

i cant believe i let some petty differences(or something like that) get in the way of a great friendship!

jeez!

i hope the term "never too late" really really works.