Exams are finally over. time to do some reflections i guess. but more about that later.

lately i've been thinking what exactly am i trying to hide from. or actually who is it i'm trying to hide from? from one person, from one group of people? after much thinking, i feel that i'm hiding from almost everyone. a little bit in the emo sense. but in the end it's just that "cheap-thrill" feeling that i get out of it. i did mention elsewhere that with such a diverse group of people and the multitude of characters available, there are bound to be some friction somewhere.

i didnt get the friction. i got a very bad abrasion. lol.

so now i'm in the semi-hiding stage. hopefully nobody finds the other half of me that is hiding.

a few days ago, as a way to relieve my stress, i watched "Enemy at the Gates", if i'm not wrong it was adapted from the novel "War of the Rats". what really hit me the most is at the near end of the movie, the political officer, danilov, told the sniper, vassilli zaitsev, that there is no way for this world to be fair. everybody will always be jealous of something that he/she doesnt have. not even in a soviet world where such lust can be eradicated.

it's just there inside all of us to be jealous of others.

looking at myself, i wonder what kind of miseries am i putting the people i hold dear through. like how my girlfriend put up with my "cheap-ness" at times. while other guys can bring their girlfriends to expensive restaurants, pay $200~$300 for the meal and then bitch about it. i just bitch about it and dont bother going there.

it's a fact i'm not well-off. i dont go clubbing partly because of the expenseive entrance fee. i dont like to go marche because one meal can cost $70. but i do indulge myself very often though. again it's the cheap-thrill factor again.

i'll take a cab once in a while because i just dont feel like squeezing on a bus or train. sometimes the reason i give myself is "because i can".

how sad it is. to take a cab and feel that it's an indulgence. no doubt cab rides are expensive, so i guess it just makes me look all the more even more cheaper.

a few days ago, i saw a kid driving to school in a nissan cefiro with a P-plate. goodness me. the P-plate is just rubbing it in. he was trying to show off his 21st birthday gift to everyone.

i felt like slashing his tyres and scratching his paint. there should be laws against such behaviour.

what's the real reason behind the wearing of school uniform up till the JC stage? to instil the sense that everyone is equal. nobody is gonna come to school dressed in something more trendy and expensive than the peers.

i cant stand it when friends come to me and say, "Oh gosh! look at what i'm wearing! do you know i got it at a sale for only $50!! so cheap!!"

how interesting it is when i have friends who claim to be aware of the financial crisis in one hand, and turn around to coo about going to the next mall opening to go shopping. interesting.

and friends who keep saying how certain items are so expensive. they complain and complain and complain and complain and complain and complain; while paying for it.

if that doesnt work for you, it probably is how you're complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining; and get your parents to buy it for you.

there is no way to narrow the rich-poor gap. and in a way, the rich-poor divide MUST exist in a country for it to function properly. the system works in such a way that it makes you believe that the gap is narrowing while the poor are still paying for the rich's lifestyle.

i seek to distance myself from such people, because they really drive me up the wall. but i only realised that they are everywhere. maybe it's the case whereby the moment you take note of something, that something starts showing up everywhere.

so how is it i'm friends with the such "rich" people whom i despise right in the beginning?

i'm afraid i'm a little too fake. my ability to adapt is at fault.

for example, friends that complain that they cant afford the $1,000 plus DSLR, so they just make do with a $600 camera. oh you POOR thing. you shouldnt have to suffer this much. incidentally, $600 is enough to last me for at least 3 months.

friends who complain about such things and at same time when i suggest going to a hawker centre for a meal, gives me a horrified look and go, "but it's sooooo HOOOOOT!!! let's just go to that restaurant!! so much better with their air-conditioning!!"

or friends who like to suggesting meeting at places where the cost of ONE meal is equivalent to FOUR to FIVE of my normal meals. and that cost of one meal has such a small serving that i dont get filled up too.

what a waste of my time and money. because of that, i walked off from some "meetings". i'm not rich, and i dont pretend to be rich. if it's so important to pretend that we are all adults and able to go to such places for a meal, you guys go ahead. the chicken rice from the hawker centre/market is good enough for me.

hmm...

getting kinda angsty here.

and so much more things to talk about. but i have to hide my other half.

now that exams are over, it's another round of me promising myself to study harder for next semester. come to think about it. i did study harder for this semester.

i guess it's just pure bad luck that the modules i took this semester is more difficult.

another round of praying for me.

oh well. enough for tonight. i guess the point is that unconsciously, i'm starting to distance myself from some people.

just looking at the sms-es in my inbox, it's very easy to tell who to avoid. and it's sad that it's almost 99%.

LOL.

that last thought just made me LOL so hard.